God Speaks

Saturday was a hard day.

Bryon went snowboarding with a bunch of UW students and Braydon and I hung at home. Braydon was up most of the night and I was sooooo exhausted.

In the morning, I had Braydon in bed with me nursing. In the midst of that he pooped and it shot up his back and through his clothes onto my hands. Awesome.

I walked over to the changing table to clean him up when he had a major spit up all over himself and all over me. Awesome again.

I had given him a bath the night before but figured the little guy needed another one.

Nonetheless, the morning got off to a great start.

I was hoping to get a nap in that morning or afternoon but every time I tried to put him down he cried. On top of that, for some reason the day before and all that morning and afternoon all he wanted to do was nurse. I think I fed him every 30 minutes to every hour!

I was becoming a wreck at this point.

[Over the past several weeks, I've been anxious and worried with not knowing what to do. I want to do everything right and so become paralyzed. Before Braydon I'd never spent much time around babies and so am at a loss for what to do for naps and everything! Everyone keeps telling me to follow the 'motherly instinct' God gave me but that doesn't help me practically. I just want people to tell me how many naps he needs, for how long, should I give him a pacifier or should I not, etc etc. However, people don't do that and people can't do that.]

So on top of a hard morning and feeling alone, I was heavily burdened with a lot of worry and anxiety.

Maybe this doesn't seem too bad, but it was. I think adding anything to extreme exhaustion makes it bad, especially since it's been over two months since I've really had good sleep.

I was supposed to go to Ryan and Pamela's house to decorate Valentine's cookies at noon but told them I may not make it.

I needed help but didn't know who to ask. So many people have offered their help if I ever needed it but I was at a loss and didn't know who to ask.

Ryan and Pamela insisted I go over to their place and they would watch Braydon so I could nap. But getting over there seemed impossible. Whenever I put Braydon down he cried. Plus, I hadn't showered, changed or brushed my teeth. In addition to having to lug all I needed for diaper changes and nursing...I thought it would be easier to stay home.

I laid Braydon down at about 1 and he actually napped so I quickly jumped in the shower. I thought, ooh, maybe I can leave the house after all!

After my shower, I immediately went to make scrambled eggs. (I'm supposed to be eating a lot right now and I wanted substantial food). But he started crying and wanted to nurse again, so I abandoned the eggs and had to throw them away later.

3:00pm rolled around and I decided I had to get out of the house. I decided the hassle of packing everything I needed was worth it. I was in need of people.

It was raining and traffic was thick.

On my drive over, God totally spoke to me.

He reminded me of a time I was on a summer mission's trip in college. I was in Virginia Beach in 2003 and had only been walking with the Lord for a year and a half. I told the woman who was mentoring me that I just wanted a list of rules to follow for the Christian life. It would be so much 'easier' I told her. She looked at me and didn't really know what to say. She said it didn't work that way.

I began learning and am still learning that life in Christ is not about a list of rules but about relationship with God. In my flesh I wanted control. I wanted to know I was doing everything right by comparing myself with a list of standards.

But Jesus is the standard and I can NEVER live up to that! That's why He came to earth, lived a sinless life, died to pay the price for my sins and was raised from the dead conquering sin, Satan and death.

If we believe in Him and receive His sacrifice for our sins, His perfect life is transferred to our account. Through Him, God sees us. It's not about me being perfect, (although I keep trying but can't), but about Jesus, who is perfect.

So how this translates to my situation now is that with Braydon, I want to know exactly what to do.

Tell me exactly what to do and how to do it. But nobody can do this! Plus, that would be feeding into my sin of wanting control and relying on myself and not God for help. Braydon is a person and there will never be a formula to life with him, nor with life with God.

It's relationship, not law. Like with Bryon...he would hate it if I checked off boxes in my marriage with him. He doesn't want to be treated as a check list but he wants a loving relationship with me.

So, here I am again, 8 years later still learning the same thing, now with a different scenario. Yet, God in His loving kindness is committed to freeing me from this fleshly desire in my heart for control and self reliance. He wants me to know His love and to know His willing heart to be all I need in all situations. Not relying on myself but relying on Him.

Hmm.

After I 'heard' this on my drive, I noticed a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that read:

"Easy does it, take it one day at a time."

Thank you, Lord.

Help me rely on you and let go of my need to control. Help me to enjoy you, enjoy my husband and enjoy my son in freedom because I don't need to have it all figured out. You already do.

I love this little boy and I can't believe how much God is already using him to teach, change and free me from myself.